The problem with having a child with an attorney that has spoken to the child like an adult since birth is that she’s 4 years old and she’s negotiating the order in which we’re going to complete tasks as a family to best suit her idea of an ideal day.
Penny: We go home, we play the mirror game, we have dessert, we play more games, we have fun deal?
Me: Okay well actually we’re going to go home, have dinner, then dessert, then we can play your video game, then tubby then bed
Penny: Okay no tubby, games first, deal?
Me: This is not - what is happening right now?
Penny: Dada?
Dada: Arbitration?
Penny: DEALS!
Every single thing in our lives has become a negotiation and it is frankly ridiculous as it is hilarious.
Penny: I want to use bare foot when we go outside
Me: I didn’t know we were going outside but you have to wear shoes girl
Penny: okay but what about I use bare foot’s but at Penny’s house? This deal?
Me: you know what yeah fine if you agree to not fight about shoes when we leave the house you can be barefoot in the back yard, deal.
Penny: -sticks her hand out expectantly- we deal?
I think I just made a verbal contract with a 4 year old.
She’s attempting to establish evidence I think
Penny: but I want to go shool pwease
Dada: okay well it is 8pm, so you have to go to sleep now
Penny: okay but I see my fwiends at shool now please, deal?
Dada: Darling no one is at school, all your friends are asleep as well.
Penny: all Penny’s fwiends are sweep? What about we… get in Dadas car and check to see watch them sweep, yes deal?
Dada: I cannot begin to explain to you why that can not happen
The great thing about being beholden to Penny the Deals Warlock is that she is also beholden to the art of the deal
Me: (watching Penny scoot her step stool over to where we keep the candy jar): hey honey we’re literally walking out the door to go get dinner, maybe we wait on the candy okay?
Penny: Oh but I will have some candy?
Me: Why don’t you come have some mac and cheese and then when we get home you can have some candy, deal?
Penny: (running out the door) oh, yes this is deals!
We are visiting my family and Papa has quickly had to pay patronage to Penny the Deals Warlock
Papa: (yesterday morning, when Penny was a little grumpy) What about you come downstairs and we’ll have some waffles and then tomorrow Papa will take you to the Diner in town for breakfast?
Penny: (extending her tiny hand to a VERY confused man) this is deal?
Penny (running down the hallway in bare feet) 👹BREAKFAST DEALS👹
Penny has a canker sore to end all canker sores, to the point where she hasn’t been able to eat so we had to make some deals surrounding getting some medicine on it because a hungry Penny Rose is like a angry demon queen
Me: Okay baby this is going to suck. This is going to hurt real bad for a second and then it’s going to feel weird and then it’s going to feel good. You’re going to hate it. But if you let Mama get these three medicines in and on you [Listerine, Antacid, Tylenol] you can scream it out and then we’ll go get some ice cream! Deal?
Penny: (obviously not thrilled with this idea) okay, three big shreams, three medicines, ice cream … it will suck… ice cream … deal. (Sticks out hand and we shake on it)
Me: okay let’s do this I’m so sorry (starts the process)
Penny: ( In between her big screams ) IM GONNA GET LOTS OF FRINKLES
My husband is trying to make a deal with Penny to get upstairs and get in the bath tub
Penny: I will go upstairs and get my body clean but you hafta titch me, deal?
Dada: I would love to make this deal with you kid but I literally have no idea what you are saying- I don’t know what the terms are, you’re speaking a language I don’t speak
Penny: you have to titch me like mama does okay DEAL!? (Sticks tiny hand out aggressively)
Dada: (looks at me bewildered for help)
Me: ( starts making a quick tick tick tick sound imitating a stop watch like I’m timing her, while penny jumps around yelling YES TITCH ME LIKE THAT)
Dada: In what world was I ever going to figure that out, thank you for acting as our legal interpreter yes deal let’s go!
and off she sprints.
Penny does not want to go to bed, but man is it time for her to go to bed
Penny: But I don’t want to be sleeping, I want to stay up now! I want to see Grampy and Cozy and Guppie and Papa!
Mama: What if we video call all the grands and say good night to everyone? If we do that will you then go to bed no fussing?
Penny: Oh yes, this is deals! -sticks her hand out to shake-
** we make the rounds and video call all her grandparents, they are all already in bed and say good night and penny hangs up the last video call and toddles into bed with minimal fussing **
Penny : (after a few minutes of silence, over the video monitor, to herself in her dark bedroom) I hafta respect da deals.
Being anti-death penalty is literally the easiest stance ever. People just say “but should the state kill THIS type of person?” and you just say “no”. Not killing people is so fucking easy actually
contrary to popular belief i think calvin’s adhd is, funnily enough, medicated. he takes extended release ritalin every morning alongside his chocolate frosted sugar bombs. this is because he appreciates being more easily able to focus on his various Schemes, Projects, and Machinations while more effectively ignoring schoolwork
calvin’s dad pulling up to the house and seeing the whole driveway covered in a (completed) snowman recreation of the entire terracotta army and he takes a deep breath and greets calvin’s mom with “i see calvin remembered his methylphenidate today”
I love you spinosaurus. I hope you keep getting even lamer so these fake “spino nerfed” fans finally leave you alone so you can be weird and unique in peace
What’s the latest drama? Will I have to update my drawing?
Inspired by the most recent Fireside chat, here’s my first piece of fanart for Worlds Beyond Number! (hopefully first of many, but that’s gonna require bending inspiration to my will, soooo)
This story is and has been and will continue to be one of my favorite things in the world. Crackle Crackle 🔥✨
All the new pride unicorns are up!! These guys have needed a refresher for ages, but I’m so happy with how they turned out! They’re up in my Redbubble and Teepublic if you wanna support a little queer artist you can get them on a bunch of cute stuff!
my friends and I have created a game we call Quipposting, where you play quiplash but you roll a wheel full of character archetypes, and whatever it lands on, you all answer as if you are like, a wizard or cowboy. This legitimately makes quiplash go from a fun enough game to an S+ tier absolute unabashed banger
the best characters are Mafia Goon, Cyberpunk Hacker, Castle Guard, Sewer Rat, 16th Century Peasant, and Alien Poorly Pretending to be Human
OP we desperately need examples
these are all from mafia goonposting but I think it’s my absolute favorite one of all time so I have a lot of pictures from it. Turn on some jazz and wait until people start talking in the accent and you’ll make Magic
we usually think of mood as a scale from 1-5, but there’s actually a negative scale too, where the frown turns back into a smile, but just a little insane !
I can’t draw very well and hated that I couldn’t draw my DnD character, a tabaxi cleric named Merry Thing, but then I remembered I’m pretty good with a needle and thread so I made her
All made by hand, hand embroidered details, and I even crocheted the lace trim on her shift!
Update: I made Thing’s twin brother, Cheeky Night! Cheeky is my favorite npc in the campaign and I couldn’t have a Thing without him. He’s an absolute bastard of a man but I love him so much. The belt he’s wearing I wove by hand with embroidery floss, and the designs on his vest are symbolic to the campaign and his character.
Anyway I love him, I love my tabaxi twins, and I never want to use metallic embroidery floss ever again.
These guys have been getting notes again so I thought I’d mention that they got me a full time job at my favorite locally owned fabric and yarn store.
The type of parents who argue that simply putting food on the table and keeping a roof over their kids’ head is sufficient parenting are always so shocked when their children no longer want to deal with them once they’ve got their own place and can buy their own groceries. Like what else did you expect to happen? You told the people who had no other choice than rely on you for food and shelter that asking for any more than that is unreasonable of them, and then they don’t go to you for anything once they can get those some other way. What would they go to their parents for?
